Great Void - What are you doing right now?

I'm having a really bad night

"queen lynxana, post: 48451" said:

I'm having a really bad night

Aw, I'm sorry queen lynxana. :(

"CodeofThundera, post: 48584" said:

Aw, I'm sorry queen lynxana. :(

Thanks. What happened was this. I've been with my husband almost 15 years. When we were first married, he had these two friends. Now I'm not the type of woman that tries to get rid of her husband's friends after the wedding. I liked his friends until I found out that they started doing cocaine.

Now my husband and I don't do drugs. At the time I had a 7 yr old stepdaughter and a newborn baby girl. I didn't trust them around my children. When they started coming over too often, I didn't like it (them waking up the baby with their obnoxious behaviors, drinking and noise.) When they helped my husband and I move into our new house right after my wedding, his friend got drunk and insulted me. I spoke privately to his wife and she said "before you married (my husband), he was our friend first"

They actually resented me for marrying my husband. After that, I told my husband what happened and how they do drugs and told him I don't ever want to see them in my house ever again and I'll get my brother-in-law to help us move the rest of our belongings. My husband never wanted to believe me but they never came over again.

Last night, my husband had a few too many beers. He brought up the fact that I took his friends away. Why he brought this up, I still have no idea. I explained to him again about how they do drugs. He still refuses to believe me and told me "well I wasn't there to hear them say they did drugs, so I don't believe you."

I was in shock, I didn't even raise my voice, if anything my mouth hung open in disbelief, but he did and kept going on a tangent. I got very scared because even though we had many fights in the past, some were physical, I've never seen him like this and it scared me like you wouldn't believe. It was the way he looked at me with such crazy eyes full of hatred and contempt. Until he fell asleep, I thought he was going to attack.

I told him that I'm a mother protecting my children and I'm not sorry. I walked away from him, went to my bedroom, he followed to argue more, while he was laying down he continued his insults and fell asleep. It was a horrible night. I didn't even talk to him about it today, either he won't remember or if he does, it would probably provoke another argument.

I'm sorry to hear that Queen. That's gotta be a tough and scary spot to be in. A lot of moms out there wouldn't stand up for their kids safety in a situation like that. I hope things get better so you don't have to be in that situation again.

"mcss aerocoupe, post: 48612" said:

I'm sorry to hear that Queen. That's gotta be a tough and scary spot to be in. A lot of moms out there wouldn't stand up for their kids safety in a situation like that. I hope things get better so you don't have to be in that situation again.

My late father gave me great advice. He always told me "never let anyone insult you in your own home, never let anyone tell you to shut up in your own home, if they do, kick them out of your house. Never allow anyone to insult you on the phone, hang up or if you continue to listen, then you're an idiot."

Against my better judgement, I just told my husband, and he has no memory of it.

"queen lynxana, post: 48614" said:

My late father gave me great advice. He always told me "never let anyone insult you in your own home, never let anyone tell you to shut up in your own home, if they do, kick them out of your house. Never allow anyone to insult you on the phone, hang up or if you continue to listen, then you're an idiot."

Against my better judgement, I just told my husband, and he has no memory of it.

Yes, because the moment you let someone get away with it, they will walk all over you. But if you put your foot down and refuse to let people insult you, they will usually back off and leave you alone. Unfortunately you never know when you'll run into one of the people who will actually get angry that you stand up for yourself.

That really stinks. :( I'll pray for you both and your kids.

Lynxana, I'm so sorry. That just...wow. I can't convey just how horrible that is to me. But I hope things turn out all right.

Ocelli and I just had kind of a sucky day ourselves. I'd talk about it, but right now there's plenty of sadness to go around. So it'll have to wait till later.

Thanks everyone for the kind words, I really appreciate it.

Onto a happier note. Today I just recieved my book voucher from my college so I will be buying my text books today. As I was cleaning off my desk, I discovered the ring box that my father's ring is in was on the floor under my desk. I opened it up and saw that the ring was missing, my daughter has a habit of playing with my jewelry and make-up. Of course she denied everything and after searching the house and my bedroom for over an hour, I found the ring. What is so odd is I examined every square inch of my desk and it wasn't there, I said a prayer to St. Anthony and low and behold, five minutes later I find the ring on my desk, almost as if someone mysteriously placed it there. Nobody but me was in my room.

So I'm very happy to have the ring back, it's a beautiful men's 14KT gold ring with black onyx. Needless to say, I'm wearing it right now, it fits nicely on my middle finger, my father wasn't a large man but he wore the ring on his ring finger. After all what has been happening to me in the past few days, it warms my heart to be reminded of my father and wearing this ring is very comforting to me. :)

I'm very glad you found it and hope this is a sign things will get better. :D

I saw the prettiest girl. What striking blue eyes. Of course I looked down, I hid my interest......I always was a sucker for blue eyes. I held my basket of my new text books, I don't know what her major was, she had a lot of books but I enjoyed the opportunity just to gaze my eyes upon her and quickly turn away.

Oh yeah I guess I should explain a few things. I like women even through I'm married.............my husband understands. And she was just so pretty, so involved with her studies with her paying for her books with her voucher. I would have loved to muster up the courage to ask her out to join me for a cup of coffee, but I kept to myself and just enjoyed the sight. This was the thrill of my day. And I couldn't ask for more. I could go on about her beauty but it will always remain a happy memory of college. Sometimes just a glimpse is all you need to make a memorable memory.

If this bugs you, don't make any flaming posts.....we don't need that here on TCL.org. If it bugs you enough, just PM me. Okay?

If I wasn't married, I guess it would be safe to say I was infatuated with her. I don't know her name or what-not but with such beauty, she's got a boyfriend and he's lucky, she must have, someone that beautiful must have a boyfriend.

"queen lynxana, post: 48666" said:

Thanks everyone for the kind words, I really appreciate it.

Onto a happier note. Today I just recieved my book voucher from my college so I will be buying my text books today. As I was cleaning off my desk, I discovered the ring box that my father's ring is in was on the floor under my desk. I opened it up and saw that the ring was missing, my daughter has a habit of playing with my jewelry and make-up. Of course she denied everything and after searching the house and my bedroom for over an hour, I found the ring. What is so odd is I examined every square inch of my desk and it wasn't there, I said a prayer to St. Anthony and low and behold, five minutes later I find the ring on my desk, almost as if someone mysteriously placed it there. Nobody but me was in my room.

So I'm very happy to have the ring back, it's a beautiful men's 14KT gold ring with black onyx. Needless to say, I'm wearing it right now, it fits nicely on my middle finger, my father wasn't a large man but he wore the ring on his ring finger. After all what has been happening to me in the past few days, it warms my heart to be reminded of my father and wearing this ring is very comforting to me. :)

You have just experienced a classic case of apportation regarding the ring. I also think your father sent his approval by this.

MGP

"Nine Tiger, post: 48803" said:

You have just experienced a classic case of apportation regarding the ring. I also think your father sent his approval by this.

MGP

I'm wearing the ring right now, what does this mean? You always were right when I spoke to you in private, especially about that one dream about the kitten and my son being sick...I hate to say what it really was but I got the message loud and clear.

You and I both know what I am talking about but the others do not. and I would prefer it to be that way.
Merged Post:
I want to scream! I want to scream I'm human, I'm gonna sin and screw up, please love me and forgive me! But let's be realist, nobody ever forgives anyone online. No matter how much I beg but only God forgives me, granted I love His forgiveness but I really would also love their forgiveness....but it's human nature to be cruel. They will always hate me. How do I undo a bad act without opening up wounds? I really screwed up. How do I say I'm sorry without hurting them by telling them what I did as they already know what I do? I'm scared. I hurt three people deeply, I was cruel just like the bullies that tormented me throughout my childhood. I feel like garbage. However, I still have no idea what I did wrong...but I must have done something extreme. How do I apologize for something I don't even know what I did.....but I know I must?

You're wise NineTiger, what advice can you give me to correct this?


What really sucks is I have no idea what upsetted them. All I know is I said "whatever" on a post and got banned and they left my facebook. You were right NineTiger....Facebook is a bad idea with only troubles and consequences.

"queen lynxana, post: 48805" said:

How do I apologize for something I don't even know what I did.....but I know I must?

That's a tough one. Best advice I know of is to say something along the lines of "I'm sorry I hurt you. I'd never hurt you on purpose. But honestly, I don't know what I did. I don't know if it is something I don't remember doing, or I didn't realize it was hurtful. Please tell me what I did so I can be sure I don't do it to you again."

At least, that's where I start when I know I've done something to upset someone else without realizing it. From there, I can't help because every situation is different. It could be any one of a million things...

Good luck Queen, I hope this helps.

wow queen sounds like you have a dillemma i hope that no matter what happens you dont loose what you have at home:(

"queen lynxana, post: 48598" said:

Thanks. What happened was this. I've been with my husband almost 15 years. When we were first married, he had these two friends. Now I'm not the type of woman that tries to get rid of her husband's friends after the wedding. I liked his friends until I found out that they started doing cocaine.

Now my husband and I don't do drugs. At the time I had a 7 yr old stepdaughter and a newborn baby girl. I didn't trust them around my children. When they started coming over too often, I didn't like it (them waking up the baby with their obnoxious behaviors, drinking and noise.) When they helped my husband and I move into our new house right after my wedding, his friend got drunk and insulted me. I spoke privately to his wife and she said "before you married (my husband), he was our friend first"

They actually resented me for marrying my husband. After that, I told my husband what happened and how they do drugs and told him I don't ever want to see them in my house ever again and I'll get my brother-in-law to help us move the rest of our belongings. My husband never wanted to believe me but they never came over again.

Last night, my husband had a few too many beers. He brought up the fact that I took his friends away. Why he brought this up, I still have no idea. I explained to him again about how they do drugs. He still refuses to believe me and told me "well I wasn't there to hear them say they did drugs, so I don't believe you."

I was in shock, I didn't even raise my voice, if anything my mouth hung open in disbelief, but he did and kept going on a tangent. I got very scared because even though we had many fights in the past, some were physical, I've never seen him like this and it scared me like you wouldn't believe. It was the way he looked at me with such crazy eyes full of hatred and contempt. Until he fell asleep, I thought he was going to attack.

I told him that I'm a mother protecting my children and I'm not sorry. I walked away from him, went to my bedroom, he followed to argue more, while he was laying down he continued his insults and fell asleep. It was a horrible night. I didn't even talk to him about it today, either he won't remember or if he does, it would probably provoke another argument.

If you saw his friends snorting cocaine as well as guzzling booze, then you were absolutely right to ban them from your house; they would have become a danger to your children in the long run if you had said nothing. :sneaky:

Well, I suppose now's a good time to talk about what Ocelli and I went through earlier in the week. It's nothing real bad or serious, though.

On Monday, we went out on a road trip to Ithaca, NY. In another one of my posts, I mentioned a friend of ours who had been arrested and put in jail for heroin possession, and that's where she was. We figured it was time we went to see her, as we thought it might make her feel better to know that she still had friends who cared about her, in spite of what happened. We had called the jail the night before and made the appointment. But the next morning when we got to the jail, we were told she was refusing visitors. We were both very shocked, upset and heartbroken, but there was nothing we could do really but go home.:(

I guess I should tell you a little bit more about her. We've known her for four years, having sort of met her by way of someone she once worked with. She used to be a figure skater, and even wanted to go to the Olympics at one point. In school, she was honored with the Young Poets Award and was a member of The Spanish National Honor Society and the debate club. She was even a Girl Scout. She went to Rutgers, but then transferred to Cornell where she was assistant editor of the Cornell Daily Sun and made the Dean's list regularly. I've read some of her articles, and they were brilliant (even though the one piece she did on MMO games I thought was one-sided).

But she had a dark side, too. I don't know how it came about, but I think ultimately she was pushed too hard, either by her parents or herself. Especially with the figure skating. If you know anything about it, you know that it's very strict and you don't have much of a life, and it can be very hard for a young girl, regardless of their background. People point at skaters like Tonya Harding and hold her up as an aberration, but the truth is that there's many more: Oksana Baiul has had several DUI's, and Nicole Bobek also had a problem with substance abuse. For every Dorothy Hamill or Nancy Kerrigan that's out there, there are just as many girls whom I don't think can take that kind of pressure, and it takes its toll on them. When she quit skating, she just went crazy. I was told she had made a couple of suicide attempts, and for a time she even did internet porn.

She had not done that for several years, though, when we met her. And the fact that she was going to Cornell and doing very well over there made us think she had turned over a new leaf and start fresh. Before she got arrested, she was making plans to go to grad school and do an internship for her Journalism major. And she even asked if she could stay with us while she went to the University of MD. And I was going to help her get an internship at someplace like The Washington Post. But now all that's up in the air, if not thrown away completely.

But I guess the drugs just had too strong a grip on her. I'm told she's going to be in there for 2 1/2 years. I can only hope that she realizes what she's done and tries to get help. I've talked to her parents and they're very nice people, and I've told them that we would do whatever we could for them and for her, and they appreciated that. But still, to come all that way and be told she wouldn't see us was nearly devastating. Some friends have told us that it may be because that she feels guilty and needs to heal, and I hope they're right. More than anything, I thought it was important for her to know that she still had friends who loved her, no matter what.

Lord Slithor, perhaps right now she's probably ashamed of herself and knows she's going to be in jail for a few years. Give it some time, she just got the shock of her life and she didn't even get a chance to adjust to it. In time she is going to want visitors.

Two years ago I was in rehab for alcohol, atfirst I didn't want visitors either but that only lasted about two weeks, afterward, it sinks in. I still drink but believe me, it was very bad two years ago, but I still learned alot from it. Believe it or not, people that are in jail or court-ordered to go to rehab is more successful than someone like me where I went voluntarily. Thus I was able to leave when I wanted to and I did just that.

Your friend is in jail, jails have NA and AA meetings and all sorts of help. This is a blessing in disguise for her. Sometimes, and I know this from my own personal experience, you have to hit rock bottom where the only next way is up.

People use drugs and alcohol for many different reasons. Your friend did heroine because of tremendous stress, I drink because I'm bipolar.

Bipolar people drink often or as some people say "self medicate". My problem was despite the fact I take medication for my disorder, sometimes the cycles "manic" or "depressive" can become so severe, it feels like the medication isn't working as it should and I need a little bit something extra. I'll drink to calm down. Problem....that only makes matters worse. Now I'm not saying I can't have a few drinks, but when I drink in excess, that is where the problems come into play.

I've become so in-tuned with my disorder, I know the warning signs so when I know it's only gonna get worse, I will go to my doctor or even commit myself into a hospital. Infact I was in a hospital this past June for a week. I knew my warning signs and I went from a manic high one night to a very depressive low the next morning. Once I get into that severe depressive low, I have to go to the hospital.

I really hope your friend gets better and I do believe she will. With her being in jail, she doesn't have access to the heroine, so this is a step in the right direction.

"queen lynxana, post: 49148" said:

Lord Slithor, perhaps right now she's probably ashamed of herself and knows she's going to be in jail for a few years. Give it some time, she just got the shock of her life and she didn't even get a chance to adjust to it. In time she is going to want visitors.

Two years ago I was in rehab for alcohol, atfirst I didn't want visitors either but that only lasted about two weeks, afterward, it sinks in. I still drink but believe me, it was very bad two years ago, but I still learned alot from it. Believe it or not, people that are in jail or court-ordered to go to rehab is more successful than someone like me where I went voluntarily. Thus I was able to leave when I wanted to and I did just that.

Your friend is in jail, jails have NA and AA meetings and all sorts of help. This is a blessing in disguise for her. Sometimes, and I know this from my own personal experience, you have to hit rock bottom where the only next way is up.

People use drugs and alcohol for many different reasons. Your friend did heroine because of tremendous stress, I drink because I'm bipolar.

Bipolar people drink often or as some people say "self medicate". My problem was despite the fact I take medication for my disorder, sometimes the cycles "manic" or "depressive" can become so severe, it feels like the medication isn't working as it should and I need a little bit something extra. I'll drink to calm down. Problem....that only makes matters worse. Now I'm not saying I can't have a few drinks, but when I drink in excess, that is where the problems come into play.

I've become so in-tuned with my disorder, I know the warning signs so when I know it's only gonna get worse, I will go to my doctor or even commit myself into a hospital. Infact I was in a hospital this past June for a week. I knew my warning signs and I went from a manic high one night to a very depressive low the next morning. Once I get into that severe depressive low, I have to go to the hospital.

I really hope your friend gets better and I do believe she will. With her being in jail, she doesn't have access to the heroine, so this is a step in the right direction.

Thanks, Queen Lynxana. It's good to hear from someone else who's had to battle with the same kind of problem. I agree. She's very smart, and I know that if she wants something bad enough, she'll work very hard for it (like when she wanted to get that editorial postion). I've known 6 other people who have also dealt with heroin abuse. Of them, 4 have successfully kicked it and stayed clean successfully (one in fact celebrated 22 years clean yesterday). So I know it can be done, difficult as it may be.

What you've said about the reasons why she wouldn't want to see anyone has been said by some of our other friends. So you're probably right. She started her sentence in April, so maybe it is too soon. One of our friends said to keep sending her letters. She may not reply, but we were told that she would in fact appreciate them. And that it'll pay to keep the lines of communication open. She also said send in a $20 money order every now and then so she can buy things from the commisary like real shampoo and stationery, as apparently they don't give that away for free there.

One other thing one of her friends told us was that for all her intelligence and accomplishments, she suffered from self-esteem issues. She always felt she had to please people or do things so she could feel that she would be accepted by others. Something I always wanted to tell her was that she didn't have to be like that with us, and that if she moved here to MD that we had a whole bunch of other friends here that would love to meet her and also would accept her for who she was. It's something that I still hope will happen one day.

Hunny, it took me a hospital trip to finally learn that going to college should be for me, not to please others. College was a big self-esteem issue for me, so believe me, I know where she is coming from. At first, I enrolled to impress a few people, then I did it to impress my husband to get him to love me more, then I enrolled to get my mother to be proud of me, then I enrolled to show a shining example to my children...but after all of that, I didn't do it for myself....now I am.

After I wrote that reply I had a few hours to think about it. I think the main factor why I didn't want visitors was because I was so afraid of the "judgements" I would receive. I learned in rehab (ironically I still drink) that you can't go asking for acceptance and forgiveness, no matter how long you have been sober, they will still not give it to you when you want it, you have to prove yourself over time and it will take that time for them to see it. I have learned the hard way, no matter how sorry you are for your action during being drunk or high, nobody will ever forgive you no matter how much you beg. It doesn't matter how sincere you are.

She is scared, insecure and lonely. Don't give up on her just yet. Send her money for the commissary, I'm a woman, and even though I was never in prison.....I'm bipolar, let's not rule it out yet......even a woman's monthly cycle costs money. They don't give feminine products for free. Keep that in mind. Trust me, she really wants to talk to someone right now but is too afraid to do so without judgement. I know the feeling of judgement waaaay too much. Let me explain....

My alcoholism caused me many horrible mornings where I would be too scared to get out of bed to find out the actions I have done the previous night. There have been times where I would waste the whole day away in bed while my husband had to do everything.....all because of fear of the unknown.

People are cruel. There are people that brag about being tough and not having empathy, I've seen people brag about being "I'm not nice", it's people like that that make people like me afraid to get help or afraid to talk about our mistakes or weaknesses. They make us too scared to say "I'm sorry." We fear that rejection, we fear humiliation, we fear sarcasm, we fear that hate, and we fear that judgement. All we really want to do is say we are sorry.

There are also people that innocently don't understand the extent of addiction. To them, they innocently can't understand why..."why can't they just stop buying the stuff (drugs, alcohol, etc)", to them it's like just shutting off a light switch.

There are those people like my mother, that said "well I gave it up, why can't you? You have no will power!"

There is no cut and dry.

There is an old expression my father said that I still use...."you cannot unring a bell" So many times when I was drinking I've said things in real life and online that I wish I never have. Sure sometimes you can edit a post the morning after but....too late, someone already has seen it and you're toast.

A few days ago, I was drunk and I made a bunch of posts on a formspring account....after being in therapy for ten years, I just blurted everything out and the following afternoon I cringed when I went back and read it......it took me this darn long, ten years, to read what was really bothering me after all of this time. I hate being told what to do by a man. I've been hurt many different ways by men, some ways that are so inhumane that no woman should ever have to go through, so I finally pin-pointed my problem. That is what causes me to lose my temper either in real life or online. Out of shame for blurting out my inner secrets, I deleted them but I know now. Funny how life works it's self out like that.

Sarcasm is a form of anger. I use sarcasm as a safety net. When a guy threatens me, I become very sarcastic, my husband complained about this, a friend complained about it, others have as well. I have to begin to use the coping skills I learned years ago again. When I am angry, I have to use "I" statements again.....without sarcasm LOL One time in therapy I did use an "I" statement....I said "I feel angry, when you talk out of your ###" ;) the group found it funny but that one guy that got me angry didn't.

Time heals wounds, not all of them but most. I still mourn for the loss of my daughter, she's alive but I was forced to give her up when she was two years old. Mothers don't ever get over losing a child, we just learn new ways to live and cope.